Archive | February 2014

My Darkness Has Returned

I’m angry… just so angry and emotionally unstable. Why? I couldn’t tell you. My life is no harder than it was a few weeks ago, and actually things are starting to look up in a lot of ways, but I just can’t control my emotions. The slightest things are setting me off and keeping me off course for much longer then they need to. I’m fighting with everyone I care about. All I want to do is eat and sleep and wallow in this deep feeling that no one really cares about me, but it’s all some act. 

I hate feeling this way. That’s why I’m medicated, as much as I don’t want to be. Especially with all of my recent research on what all of these crazy chemicals can do to our bodies. Medication doesn’t even seem to be taking the edge off right now. Why? No reason. Haven’t changed my dosage. Haven’t changed anything. I’m afraid to go back and get more/a different kind of medication based on past experience with medication failing. I don’t want to want to kill myself. I don’t want to be a sobbing emotional mess on the floor with no will to even move. But honestly, I feel I may be only a few steps away from that right now anyway.

It hurts me when I realize I’m hurting the people around me, but I have no control. It also hurts me that they can’t understand on some level after all of this time. That they can’t see me getting closer to the edge and do something, anything, to pull me back. They don’t see it till it’s too late. And there is always so much blame, like they feel I choose to be this way. Promise, I would never choose to hurt this badly, this deeply, for this long, with no explanation. It’s been a constant fight with myself since as far back as I can remember. This “chemical imbalance”, “depression”, “mood swings”… whatever you want to call it. Add in the anxiety and the paranoia and it’s a fun cycle for me.

It’s a crazy thing to want to run away from all you know. People, places, everything, and just want to start over. It’s a whole other level of crazy to also want to add yourself to that list. To want to be able to escape your own body and mind and just run as far away as you can and never look back. There has to be some relief somewhere. But how do I find it? 

I feel I don’t even have the right to feel the things I do. My life has been pretty good. I have no reason for the sadness, anger, and self hate. Other people go through so much that makes them feel this way. Me? Nothing. Why am I sitting here crying? I’m not homeless or jobless. I haven’t lost anyone or anything to some major life event. I need to snap out of it. It’s not fair of me to be such a little bitch. But I can’t. I can’t get out of my own head.           Image